3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
organizing the empties. That sober.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize