You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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