I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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