If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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