well I can't set my house on fire every night
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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