Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
