hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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