I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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