why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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