If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
