We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
