I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize