im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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