I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
