i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
