Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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