Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This toilet bowl is my home.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
