Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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