hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
