I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My penis needs a shock collar
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
