I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
