Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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