We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
