Please, let me fuck your mom
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
