see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize