My first STD was from a foam party
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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