I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
