Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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