He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
