Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
