Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
