It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
