my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
When did angry sex become our thing?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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