i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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