dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this boner is exhausting
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
