Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
