i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
