he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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