have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
