Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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