i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
