You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
