Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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