Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
