I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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