i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
