my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize