There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
