I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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