Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This is my gift to your gina
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
