listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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