I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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