best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
