Swine flu. Run for my life!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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