After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
