did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
