Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
