I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
