So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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